an unnecessarily deep playlist dive
unpacking my theo & kit playlists before THE PAIRING drops next week!
Do you guys remember 8tracks? Little embeddable widget, very popular around 2012, you could curate a playlist and post it anywhere? I used to get so into making those for whatever pairing I was into at the time, spending hours looking up lyrics until I had found ones that fit perfectly. Lizzie and Darcy were not safe from me assigning a Belle & Sebastian song to their love story.
Or, if you don’t remember 8tracks, maybe you remember a million years ago when Stephenie Meyer would post playlists to her geocities-looking website so you could step inside Edward Cullen’s twisted mind. I always thought it was such a delectable little treat to get to listen to the songs a writer listened to when they were creating the canon I loved, even when those songs were Debussy sandwiched between Linkin Park and Muse (banger after banger). It felt like I was getting to know a secret about these characters, like I got to peek at their genetic code.
Now that I, by some accounts, have my own canon, I love sharing playlists for my main characters before the release of a new book. Seriously, this is one of the things I look forward to most about the weeks leading up to pub. This is the kind of shit I’m a nerd about, and it is genuinely such a thrill to get to share that with people who are also nerds for this shit. With that in mind, I thought it would be fun this time around to breakdown my playlists song by song, in case anyone is interested in the lyrics that made me choose each one or the memories/moments I associate with certain tracks.
As always, these playlists were started before I even began drafting as a tool to help me get to know the characters, were expanded and edited as I listened to them throughout the writing and revision process, and have continued to grow the longer I spend time thinking about these two. I tried to build each one using only artists I thought the character would actually listen to, with sounds suiting their vibes and lyrics suiting their experiences. And they’re roughly arranged to chronologically follow the characters’ arcs throughout the book.
THIS IS YOUR WARNING - SOME GENERAL THEMATIC SPOILERS FOR THE PAIRING BELOW! I’m not outright spoiling anything, but the playlists do follow the basic emotional trajectory of the story, so if you want to be 10000% unspoiled for how the characters generally feel toward each other over the course of the book, maybe just give the playlists a casual spin on shuffle and don’t dig into lyrical analysis. Maybe come back and revisit as you read, or after you finish. But if you don’t mind a feelings appetizer, go on ahead.
We begin with Theo’s playlist. Vibes: surf rock, blues, stoner jams, funk, cocky, self-deprecating, kind of sad, kind of silly.
1. In Between Plans - Your Smith
Note: I like to begin a character playlist with some establishing songs to get their whole deal across. A big part of Theo’s deal is being stuck in a routine of small failures and playing it safe to avoid bigger ones.
He said, "You really got the world in the palm of your hand"
But I'm rolling quesadillas, yeah, I'm in between plans
I could set it in stone, but I'm writing in sand
That's just how it goes when I'm in between plans
2. White Walls - Steady Holiday
I set a low bar, keep excuses on the tip of my tongue
I do the same thing every time еxpecting new results
I’vе got some learning to do
I’ve got a few things to prove
3. moving on - Coastal Club
Tell me where I can be free from the feeling of time
Of time is passing by while I’m figuring out what to do with my life
4. Funky Galileo - Sure Sure
Note: Another integral part of Theo’s deal is an air of jovial, easy, eccentric confidence that makes everyone want to fuck them.
Watch me move, cross the room
Like I'm crazy, they all say
Funky Galileo got that fever
5. Pretty Great - Fickle Friends
Now I'm alone and I feel so dead
Wish I could be talking to you instead
The only thing that I refuse to forget
Is when you said I was the fucking best
6. cherry picker - Heddy Edwards
'Cause you didn’t hear me when I called out your name
What am I supposed to do with all this shame
Will I ever be the same
'Cause we made a promise, our fingers we crossed them tight
You stood right next to me, my comrade every fight
Now I’m grasping for your light
7. Being So Normal - Peach Pit
Note: Partially chosen for the title, which is how Theo would describe most of the unhinged they do in the first act of this book.
Sometimes I can still see you
Just like I used to
But I grew my hair
And you got tattoos
And man, that's hard to look through
8. Many Mirrors - Alvvays
Note: A song about how Theo and Kit are so deeply entwined that, even after years of no contact and growing into different people, they still wear the same outfits and the same haircuts and laugh at the same jokes.
Now that we've passed through many mirrors
I can't believe we're still the same
Now that we've passed through many mirrors
I can't believe we feel the same
9. Too Sweet - Hozier
Note: In a lot of ways, Theo is a pretty traditional masculine romance hero. This is a song about that.
You know you're bright as the morning, as soft as the rain
Pretty as a vine, as sweet as a grape
If you can sit in a barrel, maybe I'll wait
Until that day
10. The Only Heartbreaker - Mitski
Note: I think this song describes a lot of what it felt like for Theo to be loved by Kit when they were at their worst
So I'll be the loser in this game
I'll be the bad guy in the play
I'll be the water main that's burst and flooding
You'll be by the window, only watching
11. Desire - Liza Anne
I think I'm starting to feel it
I'm only living when the sun goes down
I think I just need a minute
Give me some space to figure it out
12. Big Star - Lorde
Note: A moment for Theo reveling in self-loathing and all of the insecurities that Kit tends to activate.
But every perfect summer's gotta say goodnight
Now I watch you run through the amber light
I used to love the party, now I'm not alright
Drinking in the dark, take me home tonight
13. Losing You - Flyte
A riverside hotel tonight
With walls that catch the city light
Just tell me you want me, I don't care if it's true
'Cause I don't think I'll get used to losing you
14. Don’t Wanna Be Your Girl - Wet
Note: Gender!
I don't wanna be your girl no more, oh oh
I won't hide the ways, I've tried
It's just not right
It's killing me tonight
15. Dream Thing - Angel Olsen
I had a dream last night
We were havin' a fight
It lasted twenty-five years
It was a waste of fears
Then I ran into you
And you just smiled at me
Said, "I love the new suit you're wearin'"
Whatever that means
16. Tender as a Tomb - Tennis
Note: Something about the playful vacation vibes of this song and the image of frolicking through a summer day over the entombed bones of love… that’s the good shit
My footsteps over the concrete, blistering in June
My heart leaps over the concrete, oh, I live for you
Each footstep over the concrete, tender as a tomb
My heart leaps over the concrete, oh, I live for you
17. Hurts Just Right - The Ivy
Note: It’s about the yearning.
Didn't think you'd love me now
Running through an empty house
Lies that we used to tell
I'll learn somehow
18. Saltwater - Geowulf
Sunrise when you call my name
Oh, I thought you had something to say
When the tide washed me in
You and I no longer a thing
Unrepentantly, I've waited for you
19. Stuck Up - Romy Mars
Note: There is a lot of swimming/pools/beach/water imagery in these playlists because I love when songs are on the nose
Hooked on the way you lock me in
Underwater so deep in
Everything else fades away
I only hear the things you say
20. I Miss When I Smelled Like You - girlpuppy
I'd never tell my friends this
But if you want me back, I'd come right now
They only hear me talk shit
They don't know that I'm still down
21. First Prize Bravery - Sorcha Richardson
Note: In a lot of ways it’s a good thing to be best friends someone you wish you were more like, and in other ways it can kind of doom you and the friendship too.
You said, "You're always changing on me"
I wish that was really true
If I had your bravery
Maybe I wouldn't feel so blue
22. But Not Kiss - Faye Webster
I hope you're okay but I won't ask
If you're in a good place, I won't mess with that
But I'm here when you need, I always have
23. Arms Tonite - Mother Mother
Note: Yes, I know that he’s my ex, but can’t two people reconnect?
I died in your arms tonight
I slipped through into the afterlife, it was nice
White light in your arms tonight
I lost sight in your arms tonight, it was nice
24. Someone’s Disaster - Beach Weather
Note: Theo is a deeply frustrating person to be and sometimes a deeply frustrating person to love. The thing about Kit is that he kind of lives for that shit.
You've been looking for a wreck like me
A perfect catastrophic harmony
Falling in and out of symmetry
'Cause you've been looking for a wreck like me
25. When You Know You Know - The Beths
Note: The line about jogging the memory at the top of the chorus just gets me for these two.
But I can see a way to a new horizon
Squinting through the clouds till it burns my eyes and
Every other star is a sun that's rising
And every other word, I'm apologizing
But I just want to know is this where you want to go?
You and me aglow in the cosmos
26. Your Heartbeat Against Mine - From Indian Lakes
Wash off the salt in the morning light
Stoned under the stars, staying up all night
Laying in your arms, thinking I could die
Happiness is there when I close my eyes
27. Want Want - Maggie Rogers
Note: This album came out the summer I was researching around Europe and it was a huuuge influence on the foundational vibes of this book. No track more so than this one.
If you understand that a few years won't erase it
Might die if you can't live just to taste it
Want-want what you want-want, then you want it
And I want you
28. I Want To - Best Coast
I want to go back to the first time
The first place
29. Nothing Matters - The Last Dinner Party
Note: “I have my sentence now at last I know just how you felt” coming from Theo to Kit really hits.
And you can hold me like he held her
And I will fuck you like nothing matters
30. When the Night Is Over - Lord Huron
Note: To me Lord Huron is the emblematic artist for playing while driving through to California desert, so I had to have a song by him on our desert baby’s playlist.
In every window, I pass
Your reflection in the glass
Makes me wonder if my mind is going
Shadows shifting in the rain
Slowly driving me insane
By the stars above, I know we were in love
I have only 'til the night is over
31. Lie Like You Want Me Back - Yumi Zouma
Put my mind on hold a minute
You could take my life and quit it
Lie like you never have
Lie like you want me back
32. Am I Still Your Baby - Zella Day
Racin' through the canyon
Lyin' down on your legs and holdin' on to your waist
You taste like California
Yeah, I felt the waves, they were crashin' through me
33. Like I Used To - Sharon Van Etten & Angel Olsen
Lighting one up like I used to
Dancing all alone like I used to
Giving it up like I used to
Falling in love like I used to
Open my heart like I used to
Making out long like I used to
Holding hands openly, rights to
Taking what's mine like I used to
34. Nobody Knows - First Aid Kit
All of your love slips through my fingers
Nobody knows me
Nobody knows me the way that you do
Nobody knows what we have been through
35. About You - The 1975
Do you think I have forgotten
About you?
36. Star - Mitski
That love is like a star
It's gone, we just see it shinin'
'Cause it's traveled very far, I'll
Keep a leftover light
Burnin' so you can keep lookin' up
37. Wading in Waist-High Water - Fleet Foxes
And I love you so violent
More than maybe I can do
Now we're finally aligning
More than maybe I can choose
38. Jump Rope Gazers - The Beths
Oh, I, I think I love you
And I think that I loved you the whole time
How could this happen?
39. Ever Seen - beabadoobee
Every piece of me holds parts of you
Wish I could see that it feels much better when I’m with you
And when I get too high and I can't breathe
I can't lie, he has the prettiest eyes I've ever seen
40. Boyhood - The Japanese House
I could have been somebody who
You wanted to have around to hold
I should have jumped when you told me to
I wanna change but it's nothing new
And if I grow I'm gonna get so old
Will you hold me like you always do?
41. No Hard Feelings - Wolf Alice
Note: This one hurts MY feelings. Obviously this is them on their last night in Palermo.
No hard feelings, honey
There'll be no bad blood
Losing your love has been hard enough
Life can be short but life can be sweet
No hard feelings, honey
The next time we meet
42. I Will Always Love You - Parcels
I hope life treats you kind
And I hope that you have all
That you ever dreamed of
43. Happy - Last Dinosaurs
I just want to come home
I don't want to be alone again
There's something in my heart that says: "Don't
Let the best thing in your life go"
44. Without You - JOSEPH
Note: A big moment in the progression of Theo & Kit’s relationship as they come back together is when Kit lets Theo beat him in a footrace in Rome. That’s what these last two lines make me think of. This song is the sound of Theo making a decision.
You always leave your shine on
It messed me up, it got inside my head
I thought I'd walked away
But everywhere I see your face
Thought you'd be waiting up ahead
But you came back down the road for me instead
45. Moment in the Sun - Sunflower Bean
All that other noise is just a waste of time
You're the only music on my mind
I don't need money, I don't need to be cool
I'd trade it for a moment in the sun with you
46. In Love Again - Mannequin Pussy
And it keeps gettin' better
Oh, it keeps, it keeps gettin' better
I cried out and fell out the center
I'm so high, I want this forever
47. I’ve Loved You For So Long - The Aces
I've loved you for so long
I'd do it again
48. I Belong In Your Arms - Chairlift
Note: If this book was a movie, this would play over the end credits.
'Cause the world goes on without us
It doesn't matter what we do
All silhouettes and no regrets
When I'm melting into you
'Cause I belong in your arms
I belong in your arms
49. With U - Soccer Mommy
Note: The shimmery electric guitar at the beginning just feels so perfect for Theo in love.
Being with you is all I can do
The stars and the moon can't compare
To coming undone staring straight at the sun
'Til all I can see is you there
50. La Vie En Rose - Lucy Dacus
When you press me to your heart
I'm in a world apart
A world where roses bloom
And now for Kit! Vibes: chamber pop, theatrics, orchestration, folk songs for wandering meadows, wistful love songs, experimental, dream pop, strings whenever possible.
1. Anything But - Hozier
Note: My favorite Kit anthem. He’s giving fairy prince. He’s giving wood elf. He’s going to carve you a flute.
I'd settle for a shopping trolley in the Liffey
In a shot, I'd swap my body for a body of water
Worry the cliff side top as a wave crashing over
I'd lower the world in a flood, or better yet I'd cause a drought
If I was a rip tide, I wouldn't take you out
2. Chute Libre - Emma Hoet
Sometimes I feel like
My feelings are misleading me
I don't dare admitting to myself
3. Missing U - Robyn
Note: You already know this fruity European listens to Robyn.
There's a slick washed up onto the beach
I follow the traces
Finding clues in my pockets and opening boxes
And going places we went
Remember to forget
Thinking how it could been
I've turned all my sorrow into glass
It don't leave no shadow
4. Only You - Yazoo
All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you
5. Ordinary Pleasure - Toro y Moi
Maximize all the pleasure
Even with all this weather
Nothing can make it better
Maximize all the pleasure
6. Without You - Perfume Genius
It's enough, not too loud
Just enough to find the trace
It's enough, in the mirror
I can almost find your face
7. Utopian Fantasy - Allie Crow Buckley
Note: Special little hint to Kit’s real French name in the first line here. This one is about the perils of sacrificing what you already have on the altar of romaaaance.
Born of the gold spring
Living out my utopian fantasy
It’s harder than it would seem
I’ve been lost in lost in lost in everything
8. Hang Loose - Hellogoodbye
Note: Early in the character development process for me, I’ll sometimes find myself latching on to one lyric that describes the thesis statement of that character. These lines, especially the last two, became a formative piece of Kit.
Every time I fell in love I poured
Every drop I had out on the floor
You've got to keep on making love
Just to fill your cup so you can pour it
9. You’re Too Precious - James Blake
Note: I know this song is about seeing the person you love as precious and deserving protection, but for Kit I hear it as an exercise in self-critique
So now, so now
It looks like, it looks like
You're too, you're too precious, precious
10. Will Anybody Ever Love Me? - Sufjan Stevens
Note: I’m so strong for only putting two Sufjan Stevens songs on Kit’s playlist. The anguish and quiet theatrics of this song are soooo Kit. “I’m too emotionally voracious to keep love but without love life has no meaning so I may as well DIE.” The last two lines of the chorus sealed it for me.
Will anybody ever love me?
For good reasons
Without grievance, not for sport
Will anybody ever love me?
In every season
Pledge allegiance to my heart
Pledge allegiance to my burning heart
11. I Look in People’s Windows - Taylor Swift
I look in people's windows
Transfixed by rose golden glows
They have their friends over to drink nice wine
I look in people's windows
In case you're at their table
What if your eyes looked up and met mine
One more time?
12. You Needed Love, I Needed You - Angelo de Augustine
Note: I see this one as Kit in his least charitable moments of reflecting on his and Theo’s relationship - and their greater friendship
Life's been hard and you've lived a few
Did I give too much love to you?
I'm sorry but it's what I had to do
You needed love
I needed you
13. Crane Song - TOLEDO
There is a crane beside me waiting
I get carried away on the wind that's blowing
‘Cause you can make me fly to you
All the brash and brazen things you do
14. Lover, You Should’ve Come Over - Jeff Buckley
Note: All of the pronouns in these songs are whatever I decide they are. God, this man was down atrocious.
It's never over
My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over
All my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her
It's never over
All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
It's never over
15. Swimmer - Half Waif
The way your arm felt
Under the soft felt of the blanket
You may not know it
But I am loving you
With my fingers on your shoulders
I am loving you
16. How Could You Disappear - AJIMAL
I’ll remember you always
Among the first of the surprises
In the summer of my spring
As a whistling adventure
As a song of foolish joy
And the rising bounce of green grass
17. Enchanting Ghost - Sufjan Stevens
Note: Think of this one when you get to the part about Kit loving “that ongoing, extant Theo.”
Don't carry on carrying efforts, oh no
Somewhere there's a room for each of us to grow
And if it pleases you to leave me, just go
Stopping you would stifle your enchanting ghost
18. Le Pacifique - Coeur de Pirate
19. Like I Loved You - Caribou
Sometimes it's all too much for me to hide
When everything gets twisted up inside
And I wish that you were there by my side, but still I try
If you find someone else, I'll be glad for you
I have to stop myself from thinking about the things you'll do
But I can't help it, the things I think just might be true, I try
20. nothing else i could do - Ella Jane
Note: When she sings about reading the newspaper to look for someone’s name and how there must be some mistake because how could the paper not be reporting on such a person - Kit felt that
I miss the shape of your voice
I miss the nape of your neck
I miss the weight of your words
I miss the bruises they left
21. You Were in My Dream Last Night - Babygirl
Do you see my face in your sleep?
Do you wake up missing me?
How can it, how can it be
When you were in my dream last night
You were in my dream last night
We took our time, we got it right
We worked it out by candlelight
When you were in my dream last night
22. How Many Nights Do You Dance With Tears in Your Eyes - Love You Later
Note: One of the very first songs added to any playlist for this book
I miss the nights that we would drive
Down the coast, said I loved you the most
But now I guess you're just a ghost
But I love you still
And you bet I always will
Are you alright?
And how many nights do you dance with tears in your eyes?
23. Linger - The Cranberrries
And I'm in so deep
You know I'm such a fool for you
You've got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger?
24. Dancing On My Own - Anna of the North, Drum & Lace
Note: Obligatory, but with more symphonic drama to suit Kit
I'm in the corner
Watchin' you kiss her
I'm right over here
Why can't you see me?
I'm giving it my all
But I'm not the girl you're takin' home
I keep dancing on my own
25. Keep Away - Carly Rae Jepsen
I'm tryin' to keep away from you
We're gonna need some land between our bodies though
I'm tryin' to keep away from you
I can't control the things I do
God, I miss your hands over my body though
I'm tryin' to keep away from you
26. Fior di Latte - Phoenix
Note: A song for finally giving in. “Meant to get it on” indeed.
Fior di latte, fior di latte
Throw your weight around behind me
Fior di latte, fior di latte
Don't think about it, trigger me happy
27. Ocean of Tears - Caroline Polachek
Oh my god, I wanna know what it feels like
To pull you close and tangle up with you real tight
The only thing that's separating you and me tonight
Ah, is an ocean of tears
28. Lovesick - Laufey
Note: Just an absolutely perfect encapsulation of Kit romanticizing his most self-destructive behaviors
When the gold rays fell on your skin
And my hair got caught in the wind
The choir sang a melancholic hymn
In the morning, you would be gone
I'd be mourning, tryin' to hold on to
The memory of your lips
29. Swim Back - Daughter
The wait is brutal, just disintegrates
We talk in riddles, then give up and go
We are so vague
Don't ask me why we're sеparate
30. Starlight - Rostam
All the windows open, a breeze comes through the room
And carries me out gently, up towards the moon
That's how I float when you're near, it slows
And I get a feeling likе I'm comin' up from underwater
31. So Far So Fast - The National
Note: Once on a cross-country flight while trying to figure out the sketch of Kit’s character I listened to this song on repeat for an hour and the line “I get so far so fast” made me understand Kit’s fatal flaw of romantic tunnel vision. The first two lines of this song feel to me like what present Kit would say to past Theo just before their breakup if he got the chance.
Don't you know someday somebody will come and find you?
If you don't know who you are anymore, they will remind you
We don't see you around here anymore, it's okay
I will say your name out loud and you will be home
32. Lovesick - Alice Phoebe Lou
Note: This one’s about Kit being in love with the act of loving Theo forever, even when it seems doomed
I ache for you, but it doesn't paint me blue
I can't help thinking about all of the perks of loving you
Even if I have to hold this love alone until it passes through
I keep thinking about all of the work I had to do
But it all fades away to nothing when I think of you
33. Le Paradis de l’amour - Ariane Roy
Please stay
There all night
With me
In slow motion
In your arms
You'll be my friend
Another time
34. The Promise - Samia, Jelani Aryeh
If you need a friend
Don't look to a stranger
You know, in the end
I'll always be there
35. A Given Thing - Weyes Blood
But love doеsn't need to destroy you anymore
Oh, I wanna stop the war between the broken lovers
It's not something you gotta earn from each other
It just comes naturally, it's there for the taking
It's a given thing
Our love everlasting
36. Drowning in Paradise - TOPS
Every kiss
Every touch
Let me bloom
Next to you
37. Never-Ending Summer - Wes Reeve
Note: “yes we’re fucking around yes i’m in love with you no i am not going to think about what happens when this trip is over right now isn’t it all so terribly romantic”
So let’s dance until the sun aches
Love until our bones break
Babe we only need each other
Got no worries bout the hard things
Living in a daydream
Love our never ending summer
38. anything - Adrianne Lenker
Note: these lyrics kill me for the mundanity of loving someone and their family your whole life and romanticizing every little thing they do. Nothing really encapsulates Theo & Kit’s love-via-shared-sensory-experiences like “wanna witness your eyes looking.”
And I don't wanna talk about anything
I don't wanna talk about anything
I wanna kiss, kiss your eyes again
Wanna witness your eyes looking
39. Flowerdust - Hajk
Don’t give it up
I missed one second of our flowerdust
Don’t give it up
So suddenly we got lost
I got lost, you got lost, we got lost
40. Dragon New Warm Mountain I Believe in You - Big Thief
Note: The dragon is Theo
There's a dragon in thе phone line
Coughing up a mighty flame
With a tonguе of silver, silver
Calling out my oldest name
41. Tears Don’t Fall - Birdy
Note: don’t cry bcuz its over, smile bcuz it happened :P
Tears don't fall
We are standin'
Dust to dust, it was us
We were dancin',
Tears don't fall
We were happy
Look at us
We were dancin'
42. The Bells - Beach House
Note: Romantic epiphany soundtrack
I can't live without you
I'll be the last one at the bar
There's just something about you
When I look out at the stars
There's a road between us
Nothing too profound
And that is what took us
Not the other way around
43. Love Letter From the Sea to the Shore - Delaney Bailey
I think I loved you in another life
Where I was the sea
And you were the shore
Like the tourist comes back to the beach
I come back to you for more and more and more
44. True Blue - boygenius
And it feels good to be known so well
I can't hide from you like I hide from myself
I remember who I am when I'm with you
Your love is tough, your love is tried and true-blue
45. No Other Like You - Kate Bollinger
Baby, I’ve been around
Had my fair share of run arounds
There ain’t nobody for me like you
46. Holding You, Holding Me - Cigarettes After Sex
Holding you, holding me
Kissing forever, we'll fall together
Holding you, holding me
Kissing, you're all I tasted
47. Honeybody - Kishi Bashi
Mama said they don't grow on them trees easy
Hands down on the ground
I'm begging you to please, Honeybody, please me
48. Strawberry Blond - Mitski
Note: The first line of this song really sums it all up for Kit, doesn’t it?
I love everybody because I love you
I don't need the city and I don't need proof
All I need, darling, is a life in your shape
I picture it soft and I ache
49. Years Don’t Lie - PREP
The years don't lie
After all this time
50 . Je T’Aime Trop Toi - Claude Francois
Note: Simply could not pass up the opportunity to end on a French version of the song playing when they first kissed :’)
Pour toi, je t’aime trop toi, je t’aime trop toi
Je t’aime trop toi, je t’aime trop toi
That’s all for now! Happy listening, and happy reading in seven days! I reserve the right to come back and edit this post with more notes. I refuse to stop yapping about these two. Thank you for indulging me.